Cannipires!
by Iggymonster
Summary: Tweek is convinced that Craig  with the assistance of Clyde  is a 'cannipire'. One-shot, first fanfic uploaded. Just light hearted and fun :


**A/N Ok so I was kind of bored one night when I wrote this, and tomorrow I'm going back to school for another year of FUN (-_-). I've never written a Creek story before (I'm into the Kyle pairings :P) so it might be OOC. It's highly based on 'Craig, Leader of the Lawn Gnomes' but I added some original material. I hope. Reviews are kindly welcome but please don't flame or hate, I'm only young and fire scares me a little. Enjoy? I had fun writing this, it was interesting.**

Cannipires!

Tweek had always been convinced one of his friends, Craig, was either a blood thirsty, life drenching vampire that'd had his eyes set on the hyperactive blonde since the day they first met, or a cannibal dying to sink his teeth into his flesh. But he'd never imagined that Craig had a partner in crime to help him do the deed. _Craig and Clyde were cannibals and he'd never been so sure in his life._

Where had he gotten this crazy idea from? How had he suddenly assumed it? It all started one day in fourth grade. Tweek, feeling somewhat calmer than his usual coffee fuelled self, was basically standing at his locker. A voice was soon hot in his ears; startling him. He was so damn startled he could have had a panic attack. What if it was a murderer wanting to kill him, then longing to hang his body up on his wall, as if it was treasure? A prized possession? Or what if it was that monster that'd been living under Tweek's bed all these years? Or could it be – gasp – the leader of the underpants gnomes? Tweek was now too scared to even blink or breathe as he thought of the endless possibilities.

Of course, it wasn't a murderer, nor was it a monster or an underpants gnome, but instead, it was, yep, you guessed it, Craig.

"Hey, Tweek," he casually greeted. Tweek turned to face the voice, his heart beating at a rapid pace, his breathing heavier than it usually was.

"You're not going to murder me, are you?" he spluttered, tugging at his wrongly buttoned shirt and pulling at the spikes of his blonde hair.

Craig raised an eyebrow; bemused.

"No," he nonchalantly replied. With Craig, it was unable to tell if he was ever serious or not. Ever since the events in Peru, one can only guess he's probably serious...most of the time.

Tweek's heart rate gradually got slower. "Are you going to eat me?"

Craig once again raised his eyebrow, perplexed by such a question. _And, _Tweek wasn't kidding. He was solemn about this.

"No, I am not going to eat you," he retorted in that nasal voice of his. He found himself smiling for some reason, probably finding Tweek's over the topness sort of...well, cute.

"Why do you think I'm going to eat you, anyway?" Craig wondered; his head cocked to one side. Tweek silently stood there looking back at the raven haired boy, shaking nervously.

"I've seen the way you look at me in class," Tweek pointed out matter-of-factly, his voice low, almost a whisper, but with someone like Tweek you'd never know if they were whispering or screaming from the top of their lungs. "Like you want to eat me or murder me or...or even rape me!" Craig was agape, shocked and a bit overwhelmed by such a stern statement. Before he could even inquire or answer, Tweek walked away.

"What the hell just happened?"

The day after that, Tweek soon got the suspicion that Clyde was helping Craig get away with his plans to viciously kill Tweek, then cook him and then eat his body shamelessly, drinking the blood. That's when he also realized Craig could truly be a vampire _and _a cannibal...this was making too much sense...a vampirenibal!

He had no proof that Clyde was behind all this with Craig, but he did have strong hunches. Tweek himself didn't even know why he thought so. They'd gotten so close recently...

Anyway, the school day continued as normal – no strange people coming in and suddenly slaughtering everyone in the class, no strange voices in Tweek's head, no strange escapades, and bizarrely no strange anecdotes about his two sex changes (yes, _two. _This _is _South Park, remember?) as told by the teacher. Just a normal, average day. _The way Craig liked it. _This was too coincidental, Tweek thought to himself.

"What did he do after that?"

"He sucked the blood from her body."

"That's gross, yet strangely erotic and satisfies my nine year old girly needs."

Tweek's ears pricked up immediately as he heard the word 'blood'. He usually never listened to the girls and their aimless stories about movies or boys or handbags or how hot Kyle's ass is, but he just found their conversation interesting today.

Were they in on it too? Did they know Clyde and Craig's dirty little secret of being vampirenibals? Little did he know, the girls were just talking about some vampire movie. Twilight, or something gay like that that tweenage girls these days like.

On impulse, he ran over to them, and found himself questioning: "Who?"

"Who, who?"

"Who sucked the blood from whom? I need to know."

"It's none of your beeswax."

Oh...so they _did _know? Tweek didn't like the secrecy one bit.

Later on, walking home, he managed to catch up with Clyde.

"Hey, Clyde," he said, sounding more like a statement rather than a greeting like Craig sometimes – _sometimes – _gives Tweek.

"Hey," Clyde said back, his voice similar to Craig's. It was almost too similar...conspiracy?

"Is Craig trying to murder me?" Tweek suddenly blurted out, much to the brunette haired boy's surprise.

"...What?" Clyde hesitated. _Shit, _he thought, _he's onto us._

"I know your secret," Tweek threatened. Well, it was **meant **to sound threatening. It came out quite the contrary due to his raspy, high pitched, forced voice. "You and Craig are vampirenibals!"

Clyde stood there, dumbfounded, unable to find the words.

"I, uh..." He thought for a moment. "I don't know how to respond to that."

"Because it's true?" Tweek cried. It sounded like a question, although he was hoping it'd sound more like something he said rather than asked. "Admit it."

Clyde sighed. It was time to give up the ghost and give in to Tweek.

"We're not vampirenibals," Clyde corrected him. "We're cannipires."

"C-cannipires?" Tweek repeated. His voice was softer, gentler, albeit still high and confused. "What's that?"

"It means we eat people," Clyde informed Tweek. "_Then _suck their blood. A vampirenibal, however, sucks blood, then eats them. Totally different."

Tweek's mouth was still open in perplexity. _Was Clyde admitting to be a vam- cannipire?_

"Is that why Craig stares at me all the damn time?" Tweek asked. He sounded nervous, scared...demanding, even. That's probably because he was.

Clyde blinked. Reluctantly, he smiled; "Yeah. Sure. Let's go with that."

Tweek was just about to murder him when he suddenly had a great idea – if Craig was the so called cannipire leader of this certain cannipire gang, then surely Tweek should kill him if he wanted to kill them all? Sounded perfect.

As Tweek walked away from Clyde, he called out to him: "You do realize we're just playing with you, right?"

When that didn't work, he tried: "Don't take this seriously."

X (o) X -

Tweek rapped on Craig's house three times, forming a perfect little tune. Finally, Craig opened the front door.

"What are you doing here?" Craig asked. It sounded rude, but it wasn't his intention.

"I'm here to murder you," Tweek stammered, high on caffeine.

"Why?" Craig enquired, unconcerned. He knew Tweek wouldn't do it. "Did Clyde say I was a cannipire or something?"

Tweek mimicked Craig by raising an eyebrow. "You're not?"

"Of course I'm not," Craig smiled. He rarely smiled around other people. Especially physcos like his good friend (ahem) Tweek here. "That's for fags."

Tweek didn't speak. He thought he'd found out who the threat to South Park Elementary was...Craig Tucker...turns out it wasn't...

But it could have been because at that moment, Craig pecked him on the lips, a kiss so sweet, short and spontaneous. Tweek wasn't sure if he liked it, or should like it. Was that Craig's way of 'eating' people?

That night, Tweek lay in bed, totally unaware of the underpants gnomes and the monster under his bed. Maybe Craig being a cannipire wasn't so bad after all.

**A/N Happy endings FTW! This was my first fanfic uploaded :O **

**Was it good? IDK. I don't get why I wrote it, it's just random. But...somehow, I like it. Pretty proud. *Pats on back* :)**


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